TNH – The Northern Hemisphere

Tesco Away featured in July 2021 issue of From The Grove to The Harrow:

“Awaydays” Preparation is paramount without this the whole flow and potential success of the day could be ruined before the first half whistle is blown and the first kick of the football.

Having a reliable source for the weather forecast is essential, whether this is via a news source, website, app or an “old school” physical newspaper you need to be confident that it served you well in the past. The printed newspaper option can often be too risky if you buy this on match day as all your proverbial clothing eggs are already in one basket, no going back home now to change.

You opt for the BBC Weather app on a mobile device and for a short while become the Michael Fish of the football terraces, a skilled prediction of the days weather massively impacts the choice of jacket and trainers for the following day.

With the weather forecast as accurate as it can be without having a phone call with God the wardrobe doors are flung open to reveal the treasure trove of terrace attire. The head scratching and matching up “combos” begins this can go on for a few hours and few lubricating thought-provoking beers always help the process. Not too many mind as you may end up with a brave pastel La Coste polo and the brightly coloured Malmo’s on foot, not the best for a mid-Winter away fixture.

A lubricating thought-provoking beer in hand it’s time to go in, a Mr Benn slash Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe kind of going in. So, do we go from head down or feet up? A sip of the beer and its head down. Burberry or Aquascutum? Got to be the Aquascutum as there is rain forecast in the morning and the brand name derived from the Latin words “aqua” meaning water and “scutum” which means “shield” so a “water shield”, maybe not in the case for a lambswool scarf.

Seemed to have jumped the gun somewhat, Mr Benn has missed a crucial item, the headwear as any shaven headed middle-aged man will tell should absolutely categorically never be forgotten, so we have riffle through the hat box. Yes, there is a hat box, it’s a bald man’s parachute! Two rummages deep the FILA ski hat makes an appearance and joins the scarf on the bed.

Did someone shout “cover those legs” that will be me with a very loud megaphone, mid-Winter match day has to be the timeless LOIS cords in tan, someone else screams “put a top on FFS”!

As Morrissey once sang “Off the rails I was and off the rails I was happy to stay” in this case it is up at the rails again hangers flicking about, a pop of colour to go with the tan LOIS cords, the enigma, the elusive Benetton rugby shirt in green.

Next up the footwear decisions, simple has to be the Trimm Trab in navy blue and soft yellow to accompany the tan Lois cords, and we now go in for the big guns, the smother, the coat. A difficult choice but for this match day it is the Berghaus 87 Pole jacket in navy blue with pink lining to make the girls wink. I nearly forgot the train cans vessel the wonderfully versatile FJall Raven Kanken a timeless classic. There was a great FJall Raven shop in Ambleside which has sadly now shut down, but the great pub on the corner opposite still survives. Now all ironed and ready it’s an early night for an early alarm call for the following morning.

The last Berwick Rangers away game was against Bo’ness United where they lost 2-1. Borrowstounness a Scottish town in between Falkirk and Edinburgh on the coast, their home ground being Newton Park. The train from Berwick takes you along the coast to Dunbar then across to Edinburngh Waverley station. From there the train stops at Linlithgow where you catch a bus to Borrowstounness. For this journey train cans are essential items, the small 330ml cans maximise the space in the Kanken a decent selection of upmarket cans for the more discerning of awayday travellers. First in the bag the Beavertown Gamma Ray American Pale Ale a juicy tropical beer weighing in at a 5.4% perfect to kick start the journey to the football ground. Next in is the Magic Rock Saucery a session IPA to get you through the train journey and finally to keep you awake but still well-oiled for the journey home and hopefully a celebratory 3 points the wonderful Common Grounds coffee porter, tasting notes describe this as having hints of toffee, rich fruit, chocolate, vanilla and hazelnut a true taste sensation to get the taste buds tingling!

If your awayday experience is a solo venture or with mates you may want a music soundtrack to kill some time or numb some of the pre-match tension. Ensuring your travel tunes are ready to go and easily accessible makes for a much more relaxing experience, for this awayday we go for Nightmares on Wax – Back to Mine for the journey home, which could be replaced with singing if the 3 points are in the bag. For the outward leg of the journey DMA’s- Live at Brixton and The Coral – Coral Island a conceptual psychedelic musical masterpiece narrated by James and Ian Skelly’s 85-year-old Grandad “The Great Moriarty” the bands 10^th studio album 24 tracks of velvety, interwoven gems that leave you wanting to unlock more each listen, the album opens to the narrative “On Coral Island you can fall in love, all the piers and promenades on the boardwalks and bridleways of innocent dreams”.

As the new season fast approaches and it looks like fans will be allowed back into the football grounds the excitement of the pre-season fixtures mounts. The first planned pre-season fixture is a mouth-watering clash against newly promoted to the Scottish Premiership the Jam Tarts AKA Hearts of Midlothian under the management of Robbie Nelson. It’s a 7pm Friday evening fixture which makes the match day experience something of an afternoon delight!

With the work that has been carried at The Curfew it really is a great place and location for pre match beers in Berwick. I have mentioned The Curfew briefly before in previous ramblings it is special place, so no harm to mention it again, I guess!

Situated on the up-and-coming Bridge Street, beautifully and subtly hidden up a delightfully painted alley with “The Curfew” you know you have definitely found the right place. The alleyway opens up the splendid out door seating area with its pergola with optional rain cover perfect for those sudden unexpected sharp Berwick downpours, which I have witnessed first hand many times over the years on the walk up to Shielfield Park.

As you open the door to the main bar area you get an overwhelming feeling of warmth, not just the warmth that thaws you out on a cold Winters matchday, but also a mental feeling of wellbeing as you are made to feel completely welcome by the locals, holiday makers, football goers and staff as they give you a smile and a nod as you enter. In a world that sometimes feels it dragging you down a little love and kindness from your fellow human beings goes a long way, so does 3 points on a Saturday afternoon around these parts! “Mon the Gers!!”

At the small bar area there are always some decent hand pulls on and an amazingly well stocked fridge. On the wall to the right is a menu for the beers and ciders available, a joyous ready! If you fancy a light bite before the match, I can highly recommend the locally sourced Game Pie, but be sure you leave enough room for Fish and Chips at half time at the football ground. No visit to The Curfew would be complete without a look in the new Snug area which I am yet to have the pleasure of experiencing but very much looking forward to it this season.

With the new season to look forward to, real football “awaydays” are just a breath away from returning and Saturday afternoon visits to the local supermarket a thing of the past as “Tesco Away” doesn’t have the same ring to it or appeal.

By Michael Conboy

Article featured in the latest issue of the Berwick Rangers Fanzine “From the Grove to the Harrow” October 2020:

As the train sweeps round at a rapid pace from Tweedmouth on its approach to Berwick Upon Tweed via the Royal Border Bridge which spans across the River Tweed the views of The Royal Tweed Bridge followed by the Old Bridge as the river joins the sea are stunningly breath taking something you have to visit first hand to truly appreciate.

On arrival at Berwick train station you are now greeted with the refurbished concourse area with its new ticket office and waiting room. There is also a new coffee shop with a small news agent inside for all your reading needs from the Berwick Advertiser to the latest detective novel.

The automatic doors slide open and you are hit by the crisp and fresh February Berwick air. Above the carpark the Castle Hotel looks down commandingly over the train station. The Castle Hotel is where LS Lowry stayed on his visits to the town in the mid 1930’s, one of his fascinations being with the Elizabethan walls that surround the town. You are in fine artistic company if you have a pint of Belhaven Best in the Castle. A perfect stop off after a reasonably long but always pleasant train journey from Leeds.

I am writing this as loose kind of travelogue with a doff of the cap to the late great Clive James as I make my way to Shielfield Park for the Edinburgh University home game last season. It was also the Berwick Rangers Football Club Community Open Day seeing a great increase in gate numbers.

I don’t proclaim to be a historian or a travel expert but I am going to try and give you some ideas and hopefully inspirations of some of my favourite places and parts in Berwick to date, there are still loads of places and things I want to do one being the full Lowry Trail, a coffee and a browse through the records in the Mule On Rouge on Bridge Street and a beer in the new beer shop and bar Hop and Bottle” opposite the Kings Arms Hotel which is also where I am staying for the night on this football trip. A colleague at work whose daughter used to live in Berwick and work in the Brown Bear before it was renovated stayed there for his 60^th Birthday and advised me it was haunted. I did hear some strange noises through the night but put it down to either the heating system, the floorboards in the corridors or my stomach after a 3 course Indian meal in the Magna Tandoori followed by a Stout night cap in the Curfew, let’s just say the short walk back to the Kings Arms took slightly longer than usual.

As I finish my Bell Haven Best in the Castle Hotel, I make my way with plenty of time down to the High Street on a cold February lunchtime. After a short walk I reach Scots Gate built in 1560 and was the gate out of town on the road to Scotland. You can also turn right here and follow the path to Megs Mount the bastion protecting the South West corner of town, there are some lovely views of the bridges and the river Tweed if you carefully amble down to the river side, there are some rather precarious steps though. When you eventually reach the bottom there is some not so historical spray painting of “HIBS” under the bridge, one would have to assume done by an out of towner!

I stay on the main street though and call into the Free Trade Inn which is a small traditional pub with a wooden screen separating the tap room off, there is an unusual wishing well in the men’s urinals. I say wishing well it’s just loose change in the bottom of the trough. The pub is full of Rugby fans so I have another quick Bell Haven Best, nip for a wee (sorry to much information) sling 20 pence into the urinal wishing well and make a wish that Berwick Rangers take all three points at 3pm.

My next stop is the wonderful Curfew on Bridge Street, as I make my way down the High Street with the tall Georgian Town Hall building dominating my eye line the snow begins to fall. Turning right at the bottom of the High Street down the steep hill to Bridge Street the snow starts to ease off and the sun pops its head out.

I have fond memories of a visit to the “Slightly Foxed” bookshop on Bridge Street. The owners friendly Labrador greeted us on arrival, it’s like Aladdin’s cave in there books everywhere on every subject imaginable. If you walk through to the back there are Chesterfield chairs and a sofa for you to relax on pick up a book and have a browse through while the low volume of music from one of the stunningly restored radiograms hums along in the background. If your senses can cope, I would recommend looking up from whatever book you have chosen and feast you’re eyes on the marvel of the hand painted domed ceiling above you, you leave the shop with your breath truly taken away.

I head past the Slightly Foxed this time and arrive at the Curfew with just enough time for a drink before heading up to Shielfield Park. There and fellow Black and Gold supporters in with their colours on show, the pre match tension and anticipation can be felt around the busy bar. Once at the bar my eye catches the black and silver can of the elusive Magic Rock Dark Arts Stout which is definitely one of my favourite stouts along with Gathering Storm which is a dark traditional stout from Leeds Brewery which I have sampled on many occasion at Brewery Tap near Leeds train station and Midnight Bell in Holbeck Leeds a stones through from the canal.

The Dark Arts Stout never fails to get the taste buds tingling, but the sun is shining so it’s a good time to make my way to the football ground, past the Barrels pub and over the old bridge to the other side of the Tweed I take some time to take in the views looking back across the river and they are stunning with the sun in the back ground, no one would have thought it was snowing 30 minutes earlier.

I walk on the low side past the harbour on Dock Road, loosing my bearings slightly but I finally reappear near the Angel Inn. The sky darkens suddenly and looks threatening, I really do need to get to the football ground now. Unfortunately, halfway up the main road the snow begins to fall yet again but in a matter of minutes it’s a blizzard. Woolly hat on and Jacket zipped up I tuck my chin into it put my head down and pick the pace up. I arrive just about in one piece, pay my money at the turnstiles, there is a certain buzz around the place and more families around than usual. I always have to visit the club shop, programme and team sheet purchased. I also buy a BRFC bobble hat as my woolly hat is now covered in snow, soaking wet and no use at all. I swap over hats and warm up ever so slightly. A smiling face of a fellow supporter looks and me and asks if I have come from the Antarctic?? I reply with a grin or is it a grimace “no, Leeds” for that brief cold moment the humour was lost on me.

Making a bee line for the Pop-Up bar which is situated at the top of the main stand I get a well-deserved pint just as the whistle blows for the first half to commence. I am pleasantly surprised to be joined in the small concrete bar area by the one of the new directors of the football club Dave Buglass who discusses his vision for the club going forward and how pleased he is with the turn out in such bad weather for the Community Day. I eventually just about thaw out and Berwick win 2 nil so a great day all round!

Its now September 2020 as I write this and the Lowland League fixtures have been published, the Gers have played a number of preseason friendlies which have included some of the exciting new player signings they have secured during the break. The standout games being the 1-3 win against Whitehill Welfare and the 7-0 win against Tweedmouth Rangers, so things are looking promising for the season ahead.

Grassroots football faces an uncertain future in the current climate with no supporters being allowed into the grounds, so I would urge and encourage any supporters who would normally pay at the gate on a Saturday afternoon to join the 1881 Club, this gives the football club a regular income stream which allows them to future forecast and enhance the match day experience for all involved and ultimately keep this great football club functioning, its not just about the results at 5pm on a Saturday the club provides so much more to the community as a whole and brings people together.

Michael Conboy

Article featured in Issue 70 September 2020 of Red Inc Fanzine…….

The interlocking and complexity of the door lock mechanism ring out loudly as the key turns slowly, stood there behind it for 15 minutes in nervous anticipation mouth dry, palms clammy. Three books are stacked up on the table at the side. A milestone from a reading perspective in such a short space of time, David Hepworth’s 1971, Johnny Marr’s autobiography and Noel Gallagher’s Biography all have been an emotional roller coaster ride in parts.

The twang of a badly tuned semi acoustic guitar, capo firmly centred on the 2^nd fret, a half-filled banana box containing records, some played and some still in their cellophane waiting to be discovered for the first time.

The creek of the cast iron door as it opens and a blonde-haired man in a black suit, heavy set, hair in need of some attention. His belt straining slightly and has had an extra notch added in the wrong direction. The left front side of shirt hanging out in some kind of almost ironic defiance. He looks up with his piercing blue eyes, only two words are spoken in a posh Eton education accent “Stay Alert”.

The inmate picks up his three proudly read books and puts them in the banana box next to the records. Picks up his guitar and slings it over his shoulder like he knows what he is doing when in reality he knows about 6 chords and has a strumming action like someone grating cheese badly.

He follows the suited man along a long corridor the soles of his black leather Italian shoes making a squeaking sound on the highly polished floor. They arrive at a reception area where the inmate collects his clothes and some other belongings, a brown leather wallet containing an unused £50 note from the last time he was in a social environment known as a “bar”. Other contents of his wallet are a Berwick Rangers Supporters Trust membership and fixture card, a Leeds United Supporters Trust membership card, a golf driving range discount card and a Tesco Clubcard the Tesco Clubcard currently the most useful item.

The door opens to the outside world its 23 degrees on a pleasantly warm May afternoon. The sun burns into his skin he takes a deep breathe and mutters the word “freedom”, but at such a high cost.

He shuts his eyes and enjoys the moment briefly as a car pulls up and beeps its horn, windows down with the Chris Rea song Driving Home for Christmas playing. He thinks to himself has it really been that long?

A man looks across at him from out of the car window, on the car door is a sign saying Amber Taxi’s in black and yellow, a pair of happy smiling eyes a man wearing a blue surgical face mask and a pair of green latex gloves. “Alright Boss, where you going?”

Climbing into the back of the taxi there is a noticeable difference for a private hire car a Perspex screen separating the driver from the passenger in the back. The drivers face mask makes his voice almost inaudible.

Not wanting to appear unsocial and also not knowing when he may come into contact with another human being again, he replies “So are we all supporting Dortmund now? Watched two good games where Haaland scored against Schalke and the other when Sancho got his hat trick against Paderborn his celebration showing his support for Black Lives Matter wearing a t shirt underneath his football top with the slogan “Justice for George Floyd” but we must not condone mindless violence, rioting and looting a protest must be peaceful and in these times social distanced. Did you know Sancho has since been fined by Dortmund for having a hairdresser round to his house to cut his hair, strange times we live in hey mate!”

“Sorry boss, I can’t hear you properly through the screen you will have to speak up” a muffled voice reply. I put my sunglasses on and close my eyes for while and it seems like such a long while since, family, friends all patiently following the rules, but yearning with heavy hearts to be reunited albeit with the caveat of being 2 metres apart in the garden. Well at least it’s not raining it’s the hottest temperature recorded in May since 1957, could this be due to the fact that there has been very little traffic on the roads causing less pollution and damage to the ozone layer? Food for thought. The hot weather has certainly helped make the experience more bearable. We must not cast aside the many lives lost and stand strong together remember and mourn. Praise the key worker who have all played such a valuable part in there individual and unique way especially NHS and care workers. We clap on a Thursday evening in solidarity one would hope that their great efforts on the front line will be financially recognised in time by the government.

A loud knocking on the Perspex screen, a jump up and one eye opens, smiley eyes is peering through. Should he not be paying more attention to the road? “So boss, you been watching the horse racing? Seems to be the only live sport we have had for a while, although no racing from the UK”.

“Yes, mate I did at first but unfortunately I found it difficult to study the form when you don’t know who the horses and trainers are so you are just trading the numbers which makes it more of a gamble than usual ha, ha”.

The driver gives his thumbs up and holds his mobile phone up to the Perspex screen, good job we have stopped at some traffic lights. “See this boss, these betting companies are struggling now with no Premiership and Championship football. They are offering high priced specials on French horse racing and German football, they must have lost millions of pounds in the last few Months, let’s face it who wants to bet on Ping Pong”.

An aggressive toot of a horn from the car behind and the lights have changed from amber to green. A jerk forward as the driver changes from first to second gear and we are on the move again. The radio station crackles as he retunes the station, its one of those old-fashioned CD radios with manual tuning. Picking up the next station Tom Jones powerful voice sings the theme tune to James Bond’s Thunder ball; his voice fits perfectly with the Orchestral arrangement of Geoff Love and his Orchestra. He glances back in the rear-view mirror his caffeine dilated pupils and loosely combed late 60’s styled hair makes him look like an almost carbon copy of Al Pacino in Scarface.

A smirk and a smile from the backseat as he thinks of the classic line from Scarface “The eyes, Chico, they never lie”, the line now associated with a gifted 20 million pounds signed striker for Sheffield United.

Sat on the decking in his sun-drenched back garden of a stunning Yorkshire property the blonde haired and now heavily bearded Premiership football waits in anticipation for the return of the English Football League in whatever form this may take, the Bundesliga providing the initial blue print. He is a social character and enjoys the bond and friendship he has with his team mates so lockdown has been difficult from a social point of view but he has adhered to all the rules and stayed fit and healthy throughout and worked through the training programmes the club have provided, so he is more than ready to pick up from where the Blades left off which was in a strong position pushing for a strong finish. Back in February they were 14/1 on Sky Bet to finish in the top 4.

Born in Leeds his youth football career was with Leeds United Academy, he was then signed by Bradford City where he got his first professional contract, going out on loan twice to Chester. He must have impressed at his time at Bradford as he joined Swansea on a three-year deal making his first appearances for the Under 21’s, again going out on loan for a Month this time to Newport County where he scored a hattrick against Luton Town the seeds were being sown. Another loan this time to Bristol Rovers where he helped them win promotion from League two and was beginning to be a fans favourite with his work ethic, sense of humour and down to earth attitude. It seemed like he was just enjoying playing football and appreciating the position he was in.

Finally, the break through to the first team for Swansea came in August 2016 when he scored twice in an EFL Cup tie against Peterborough United, his two goals providing a 1-3 win for Swansea and securing the young player “Player of the Month”. He appeared to be on some what of a goal scoring spree upon his return to the Under 23’s he scored a modest 10 goals in 7 games which caught the eye of first team manager Carlos Carvalhal who recalled him for the first team where he made 12 appearances.

Another loan saw him return to his native Yorkshire to Barnsley under the management of a short-lived ex Leeds manager Paul Heckingbottom, scoring 6 goals in 8 games and being awarded Barnsley player of the year and receiving a call up for Scotland National team. Returning to Swansea later that season he scored what would be his first league goal for Swansea.

Now firmly on the radar as a young up and coming top class striker a transfer bit was placed by Sheffield United under the management of Chris Wilder. The initial bid was rejected as he had recently signed a new extended deal with Swansea. But in football money talks and Sheffield later fired in a revised bid for him at £17.5 million for four years with the prospect of it rising to 20 million a new record Sheffield United.

If we fast forward to the restart of the EFL and a nervy return for The Blades losing all their games in June, had the break been to their detriment as pre lockdown they were heading towards a top 4 finish.

The first game for Chris Wilder’s lads in July was against Jose’s Spurs not a fixture they would relish after such a shaky restart, well looks like they had nothing to be concerned about as recent new club record signing Sander Berge opened his goal scoring account and looks now to be fitting into the squad nicely and linking up with the infamous number 9. Mousset gets goal number two after 69 minutes. A goal disallowed by VAR for Harry Kane, fast forward to the 84^th minute a lovely cross into the box by Berge and number 9 Oli McBurnie slots it into the back of the net.

A loud knocking noise on the Perspex screen brings him out of his statistical day dream, opening his eyes he is faced again by the eyes of Al Pacino in Scarface “wake up, Boss!!” looking out of the window he can see he is a Tesco carpark, not as busy as it usually would be and everyone is wearing surgical face masks.

“You go in Boss; I will wait here for you”

So, what to buy now? The initial advice from the government was essential items only, only shop once a week, wash your hands every 20 minutes or was that frequently for 20 seconds singing Happy Birthday who knows? Taking the 20-minute rule literally, left now with hands as dry as an armadillo back and as red as a baboon bottom the medium to big shop beckons. Head filled with questions, will there be toilet rolls now? Will there be hand wash? not that armadillo hands needs any!

Self service was kind to him, Tesco points swiped successfully, contactless payment confirmed. Following the arrows on the floor to the exit he waits in what seems like a supermarket purgatory for the automatic doors to open, the music of Ennio Morricone For a Few Dollars More fills the exit door area and fresh flower stand, stood there with an unexpected air of confidence his left hand clutching a half full Tesco Bag for Life, a 9 nine pack of toilet roll slung over his right shoulder, placing his legs apart like a western gun slinger the automatic doors begin to open, a sudden rush of northern air combined with the automatic doors opening and his Adidas Poncho flares up at the front revealing a brown belt and a slightly overweight lower torso, exercise yard lockdown sun tan.

He can taste his own breath as he pulls down the face mask from his nose, glad to be back in the open air of the car park and potentially virus free he makes his way back to the taxi.

Social distancing is it now 2 metres or 1 metre? The message from the government is so unclear nobody knows anymore! Seeing the taxi, he feels a little less stressed, black and yellow tape on the floor advising of directions. He finds the taxi puts his Tesco bag and loo rolls in the boot and makes himself comfortable in the back seat.

Putting on his seat belt, armpits and palms clammy he is glad his shopping experience is over.

He shuts his eyes it has been along day, starting its engine the taxi pulls out of the Tesco car park, the driver pipes up “so Boss you want me to take you back now?”

He nods his approval and the car gets on its way, a bumpy journey for about 15 minutes and the car with terrible suspension and debatable radio choices pulls up.

“That’s £12 boss” he pays with no hesitation and walks up to the large black door and knocks on it loudly. The keys turn from the inside of the door and it opens slowly a man is stood there in black suit, heavy set wild blonde hair, they make eye contact and the suited man mutters “Welcome Back”.

By Michael Conboy