TNH – The Northern Hemisphere

Article featured in Issue 70 September 2020 of Red Inc Fanzine…….

The interlocking and complexity of the door lock mechanism ring out loudly as the key turns slowly, stood there behind it for 15 minutes in nervous anticipation mouth dry, palms clammy. Three books are stacked up on the table at the side. A milestone from a reading perspective in such a short space of time, David Hepworth’s 1971, Johnny Marr’s autobiography and Noel Gallagher’s Biography all have been an emotional roller coaster ride in parts.

The twang of a badly tuned semi acoustic guitar, capo firmly centred on the 2^nd fret, a half-filled banana box containing records, some played and some still in their cellophane waiting to be discovered for the first time.

The creek of the cast iron door as it opens and a blonde-haired man in a black suit, heavy set, hair in need of some attention. His belt straining slightly and has had an extra notch added in the wrong direction. The left front side of shirt hanging out in some kind of almost ironic defiance. He looks up with his piercing blue eyes, only two words are spoken in a posh Eton education accent “Stay Alert”.

The inmate picks up his three proudly read books and puts them in the banana box next to the records. Picks up his guitar and slings it over his shoulder like he knows what he is doing when in reality he knows about 6 chords and has a strumming action like someone grating cheese badly.

He follows the suited man along a long corridor the soles of his black leather Italian shoes making a squeaking sound on the highly polished floor. They arrive at a reception area where the inmate collects his clothes and some other belongings, a brown leather wallet containing an unused £50 note from the last time he was in a social environment known as a “bar”. Other contents of his wallet are a Berwick Rangers Supporters Trust membership and fixture card, a Leeds United Supporters Trust membership card, a golf driving range discount card and a Tesco Clubcard the Tesco Clubcard currently the most useful item.

The door opens to the outside world its 23 degrees on a pleasantly warm May afternoon. The sun burns into his skin he takes a deep breathe and mutters the word “freedom”, but at such a high cost.

He shuts his eyes and enjoys the moment briefly as a car pulls up and beeps its horn, windows down with the Chris Rea song Driving Home for Christmas playing. He thinks to himself has it really been that long?

A man looks across at him from out of the car window, on the car door is a sign saying Amber Taxi’s in black and yellow, a pair of happy smiling eyes a man wearing a blue surgical face mask and a pair of green latex gloves. “Alright Boss, where you going?”

Climbing into the back of the taxi there is a noticeable difference for a private hire car a Perspex screen separating the driver from the passenger in the back. The drivers face mask makes his voice almost inaudible.

Not wanting to appear unsocial and also not knowing when he may come into contact with another human being again, he replies “So are we all supporting Dortmund now? Watched two good games where Haaland scored against Schalke and the other when Sancho got his hat trick against Paderborn his celebration showing his support for Black Lives Matter wearing a t shirt underneath his football top with the slogan “Justice for George Floyd” but we must not condone mindless violence, rioting and looting a protest must be peaceful and in these times social distanced. Did you know Sancho has since been fined by Dortmund for having a hairdresser round to his house to cut his hair, strange times we live in hey mate!”

“Sorry boss, I can’t hear you properly through the screen you will have to speak up” a muffled voice reply. I put my sunglasses on and close my eyes for while and it seems like such a long while since, family, friends all patiently following the rules, but yearning with heavy hearts to be reunited albeit with the caveat of being 2 metres apart in the garden. Well at least it’s not raining it’s the hottest temperature recorded in May since 1957, could this be due to the fact that there has been very little traffic on the roads causing less pollution and damage to the ozone layer? Food for thought. The hot weather has certainly helped make the experience more bearable. We must not cast aside the many lives lost and stand strong together remember and mourn. Praise the key worker who have all played such a valuable part in there individual and unique way especially NHS and care workers. We clap on a Thursday evening in solidarity one would hope that their great efforts on the front line will be financially recognised in time by the government.

A loud knocking on the Perspex screen, a jump up and one eye opens, smiley eyes is peering through. Should he not be paying more attention to the road? “So boss, you been watching the horse racing? Seems to be the only live sport we have had for a while, although no racing from the UK”.

“Yes, mate I did at first but unfortunately I found it difficult to study the form when you don’t know who the horses and trainers are so you are just trading the numbers which makes it more of a gamble than usual ha, ha”.

The driver gives his thumbs up and holds his mobile phone up to the Perspex screen, good job we have stopped at some traffic lights. “See this boss, these betting companies are struggling now with no Premiership and Championship football. They are offering high priced specials on French horse racing and German football, they must have lost millions of pounds in the last few Months, let’s face it who wants to bet on Ping Pong”.

An aggressive toot of a horn from the car behind and the lights have changed from amber to green. A jerk forward as the driver changes from first to second gear and we are on the move again. The radio station crackles as he retunes the station, its one of those old-fashioned CD radios with manual tuning. Picking up the next station Tom Jones powerful voice sings the theme tune to James Bond’s Thunder ball; his voice fits perfectly with the Orchestral arrangement of Geoff Love and his Orchestra. He glances back in the rear-view mirror his caffeine dilated pupils and loosely combed late 60’s styled hair makes him look like an almost carbon copy of Al Pacino in Scarface.

A smirk and a smile from the backseat as he thinks of the classic line from Scarface “The eyes, Chico, they never lie”, the line now associated with a gifted 20 million pounds signed striker for Sheffield United.

Sat on the decking in his sun-drenched back garden of a stunning Yorkshire property the blonde haired and now heavily bearded Premiership football waits in anticipation for the return of the English Football League in whatever form this may take, the Bundesliga providing the initial blue print. He is a social character and enjoys the bond and friendship he has with his team mates so lockdown has been difficult from a social point of view but he has adhered to all the rules and stayed fit and healthy throughout and worked through the training programmes the club have provided, so he is more than ready to pick up from where the Blades left off which was in a strong position pushing for a strong finish. Back in February they were 14/1 on Sky Bet to finish in the top 4.

Born in Leeds his youth football career was with Leeds United Academy, he was then signed by Bradford City where he got his first professional contract, going out on loan twice to Chester. He must have impressed at his time at Bradford as he joined Swansea on a three-year deal making his first appearances for the Under 21’s, again going out on loan for a Month this time to Newport County where he scored a hattrick against Luton Town the seeds were being sown. Another loan this time to Bristol Rovers where he helped them win promotion from League two and was beginning to be a fans favourite with his work ethic, sense of humour and down to earth attitude. It seemed like he was just enjoying playing football and appreciating the position he was in.

Finally, the break through to the first team for Swansea came in August 2016 when he scored twice in an EFL Cup tie against Peterborough United, his two goals providing a 1-3 win for Swansea and securing the young player “Player of the Month”. He appeared to be on some what of a goal scoring spree upon his return to the Under 23’s he scored a modest 10 goals in 7 games which caught the eye of first team manager Carlos Carvalhal who recalled him for the first team where he made 12 appearances.

Another loan saw him return to his native Yorkshire to Barnsley under the management of a short-lived ex Leeds manager Paul Heckingbottom, scoring 6 goals in 8 games and being awarded Barnsley player of the year and receiving a call up for Scotland National team. Returning to Swansea later that season he scored what would be his first league goal for Swansea.

Now firmly on the radar as a young up and coming top class striker a transfer bit was placed by Sheffield United under the management of Chris Wilder. The initial bid was rejected as he had recently signed a new extended deal with Swansea. But in football money talks and Sheffield later fired in a revised bid for him at £17.5 million for four years with the prospect of it rising to 20 million a new record Sheffield United.

If we fast forward to the restart of the EFL and a nervy return for The Blades losing all their games in June, had the break been to their detriment as pre lockdown they were heading towards a top 4 finish.

The first game for Chris Wilder’s lads in July was against Jose’s Spurs not a fixture they would relish after such a shaky restart, well looks like they had nothing to be concerned about as recent new club record signing Sander Berge opened his goal scoring account and looks now to be fitting into the squad nicely and linking up with the infamous number 9. Mousset gets goal number two after 69 minutes. A goal disallowed by VAR for Harry Kane, fast forward to the 84^th minute a lovely cross into the box by Berge and number 9 Oli McBurnie slots it into the back of the net.

A loud knocking noise on the Perspex screen brings him out of his statistical day dream, opening his eyes he is faced again by the eyes of Al Pacino in Scarface “wake up, Boss!!” looking out of the window he can see he is a Tesco carpark, not as busy as it usually would be and everyone is wearing surgical face masks.

“You go in Boss; I will wait here for you”

So, what to buy now? The initial advice from the government was essential items only, only shop once a week, wash your hands every 20 minutes or was that frequently for 20 seconds singing Happy Birthday who knows? Taking the 20-minute rule literally, left now with hands as dry as an armadillo back and as red as a baboon bottom the medium to big shop beckons. Head filled with questions, will there be toilet rolls now? Will there be hand wash? not that armadillo hands needs any!

Self service was kind to him, Tesco points swiped successfully, contactless payment confirmed. Following the arrows on the floor to the exit he waits in what seems like a supermarket purgatory for the automatic doors to open, the music of Ennio Morricone For a Few Dollars More fills the exit door area and fresh flower stand, stood there with an unexpected air of confidence his left hand clutching a half full Tesco Bag for Life, a 9 nine pack of toilet roll slung over his right shoulder, placing his legs apart like a western gun slinger the automatic doors begin to open, a sudden rush of northern air combined with the automatic doors opening and his Adidas Poncho flares up at the front revealing a brown belt and a slightly overweight lower torso, exercise yard lockdown sun tan.

He can taste his own breath as he pulls down the face mask from his nose, glad to be back in the open air of the car park and potentially virus free he makes his way back to the taxi.

Social distancing is it now 2 metres or 1 metre? The message from the government is so unclear nobody knows anymore! Seeing the taxi, he feels a little less stressed, black and yellow tape on the floor advising of directions. He finds the taxi puts his Tesco bag and loo rolls in the boot and makes himself comfortable in the back seat.

Putting on his seat belt, armpits and palms clammy he is glad his shopping experience is over.

He shuts his eyes it has been along day, starting its engine the taxi pulls out of the Tesco car park, the driver pipes up “so Boss you want me to take you back now?”

He nods his approval and the car gets on its way, a bumpy journey for about 15 minutes and the car with terrible suspension and debatable radio choices pulls up.

“That’s £12 boss” he pays with no hesitation and walks up to the large black door and knocks on it loudly. The keys turn from the inside of the door and it opens slowly a man is stood there in black suit, heavy set wild blonde hair, they make eye contact and the suited man mutters “Welcome Back”.

By Michael Conboy